The Fog Has Lifted...

As you've been able to tell from most entries I've written lately, I've been really struggling: with pain, with fatigue, with exhaustion. I've been on a journey in search of medical and spiritual help to find some relief. I am definitely a lot better now than when I started, but I have to say that a switch seems to have clicked over the last week that could make all the difference in the world.

About a month ago, I started on a new pain medication, in addition to increasing my daily dosage of Lyrica (for my nerve pain). My doctor said I could take 1-2 pills every 4 to 6 hours. Since I'm already popping enough pills as it is, I've been doing one pill with breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I've noticed some relief but nothing major. The last two weeks have been extremely busy for me personally and at work and I seriously crashed last Thursday night with an incredibly busy day and I was just BEYOND exhausted. Since I had to go to work on Friday, I decided to take two pills with dinner so maybe I could have a better night of sleep.

Well, I could've probably JUMPED off the bed in the morning if I wanted to because I just felt SO good. And that's not what I expected at all - I just thought I'd be completely sore and a zombie at work all day. Then I had another busy weekend and I decided to try my luck and take two pills with dinner on Sunday night and Monday night. I honestly can't even think of the right words to express how I feel....

I can't remember the last time I felt this light, this clear headed, this rested, this AWAKE. I feel as though I've been walking around with a veil of exhaustion over me that has suddenly lifted. I was able to wake up yesterday and today, even after not a full 8 hours of sleep, and not feel like I had an elephant sitting on top of my legs. I've been able to sit through meetings without yawning repeatedly. I've had two super busy days at work because one of our biggest events of the year is on Thursday and I'm not stressed. I'm just going through the motions and getting the work done.

Like I said, I can't remember the last time I have felt ANY of these things. I've been on survivor mode since going back to work and just struggling to make it through the week, always tired, always in pain. The pain has not completely gone away but I feel like the fog I've been in has been lifted. I am praying that this is a permanent change, but even if it's not, I am just BEYOND HAPPY that I've had these days to feel like my old self, I guess. It's been so long, I couldn't remember what it was like.

And honestly, the more I think about it, I can't really remember what my old self was like - before all of this got so much more intense and painful. If this is my new norm, I am excited to re-discover how I used to be. Maybe a little more calm, a little less on edge, much much happier. I so soooo needed this. I am SO thankful to God!!

I hope people who are healthy and read this entry don't take for granted what they have. I know we have SO much to be grateful for and sometimes it's not until you lose it that you realize how good you have it. I am LOVING this "new" old me. I can't wait to call my doctor tomorrow and tell him the amazing news!

Thank you for being there for me and for helping me along the way...

Thank you to another dear friend who has helped me so much!

New Pain Management Doctor

Yesterday was a very hectic day in NYC. We started out going to see Dr. Feldman for a follow up appointment and thankfully everything is ok with my foot. The x-rays don't show anything unusual. He says I just overdid it and even though now I'm full weight-bearing and off the boot into regular shoes, he just asked that I take it easy for a few days so my foot can rest. Actually that's all I've done since Friday night. I didn't put my foot down on Saturday, Sunday or Monday and yesterday, after having to walk a bit, it kinda started hurting again towards the end of the day. Note to self: no more going to see 3 houses in one day for a little while.

Me and my pal, Dr. Feldman

We finished at 10:30am and my appointment with the new pain management doc wasn't until 1:30pm so I called their office and thankfully they could fit us in at 11:30. Well, we ended up being there for two and a half hours!!! When we first got there, I had to fill out my new patient forms. Then I got called in and had the doctor's undivided attention for about an hour. I must say that I really liked this guy...he mentioned new, innovative ideas that I had NEVER heard from any other doc in 6 years (unfortunately he spoke in scientific terms a lot so I don't remember too many specifics to list here). I faxed all my CMT medical papers in advance so he could become familiarized with it before I got there and he definitely knew what he was talking about, without being an expert on the subject. He is very familiar with neuropathies, genetic conditions, and treatment-less diseases.

Well, we already know CMT has no cure or treatment, so he doesn't focus on trying to treat CMT, he focuses instead on treating the patient, ME. But in the meantime, who knows if he can't help CMT, even a little bit? We went through my personal medical history and he thought of many possible scenarios. He ordered a LONG list of tests because he is going to examine all blood and urine test results to have a complete picture to know how to proceed. He was extremely thorough in his examination and because of our discussion I am really hopeful!!!! I strongly believe that this man is going to help me. I am not saying I believe he's going to fix all my problems. But I believe he is going to help me somehow, if not with the pain entirely, then help me have more energy, or sleep better, or not feel as exhausted and fatigued so easily. I'd like to point out that I am not naive about the possibilities, I just refuse to give up hope that one day I will live a better life.

I mentioned how horrible my thigh pain is and how I'm starting to wonder whether it's CMT related. One of the most interesting things he brought up was the fact that I'm taking so much Lyrica to help with my nerve pain that the medication could be creating these symptoms. He pulled out his little Rx book and the Lyrica description was extremely interesting and asked that you take follow up tests, which I have not done, and which thankfully were already on his long list of tests. So we are going to look closely at this Lyrica issue to see if they are related at all. Only thing is that my little sis who also has the thigh pain, does not take Lyrica. But also interesting is that this thigh pain has not been with me from the beginning, it's been about 2 years, which is the exact same amount of time I've been taking these meds!

After we were done, the nurse came in and took only some of the blood tests - which was 13 vials of blood!!! And I still need to go to a Quest lab near me and take the remainder because they forgot to tell me to fast before I came to the appointment. I also took a urine test there and have a much more complicated urine test to do at home, which I can only do after 7 days of not eating seafood and (sorry to divulge so much information but inquiring minds want to know) I'll be peeing for 6 hours on the 8th day with a combination of some meds in my system (FUN! lol).

After all these results come in, I'll schedule a follow up with him (and unfortunately have to take a morning off work already - sucks to do that when I'm just starting) where I will meet with him for another hour and review all the results and figure out the best plan of action for me: what supplements I should be taking, what I should be eating, what supplements I should stop taking. Then I will follow his advice for a month and then we'll meet again to see if we should adjust anything.

I should also say that I spent a small fortune on this appointment:
First visit: $400
Follow up visit: $275
Complicated at-home urine test: $160
Paying them to test my fatty acids: $257
Investing on myself and my health: PRICELESS
(and as my mom said, we happily pay more than that to go on a vacation or buying furniture, so I should just be happy that I have the money to invest on my health and well-being...GO MOM!!!)

PS: less than 2 weeks until I start my new job, I don't wanna say I'm scared, but I am a little! Oh man, it's been over a year. I know it will go great, it's just those first awkward moments and weeks of getting to know everyone and getting trained. But I'm sure it will all be forgotten when I get my first paycheck!

Weeks 4 and 5: To be Honest, I've Been Better

The last 2 weeks have definitely been full of highs and lows for me. I'll start with the lows so I can end on a high note.

When I saw my surgeon over two weeks ago, he asked me to start weaning off the strong meds (narcotics) I've been taking since the surgery. So over the course of the last couple weeks, I have been reducing the medication by half and also spacing it out more. Finally, I felt good last Thursday and decided to stop taking it altogether. I was so proud of myself, my operated foot felt fine and so I went most of the day without taking anything.

However, my old pains had a different plan in mind. The medication was so strong that it made me forget how strong the pain in my legs really is when I am laying down for hours at a time. No medication or treatment I have ever tried has worked to calm them, except for this, which is clearly not the right solution. So that first night I battled with myself not to take anything and see how far it could go. Well, I ended up giving up at 2am and taking a full pill because I had already been brought down to tears and it was just ridiculous at that point. So the next day I tried spacing it out 12 hours - not good. The following day, 10 hours...didn't work.

On Sunday night, I talked with a friend from church and her husband, who is a doctor, who were kind enough to sit with me and try to figure out what kinds of treatment may be helpful for me. He was extremely resourceful and had lots of ideas that we could try and he was also going to speak to a pain specialist about my case. Thank you C & G!!!

On Monday, I went to see my regular podiatrist who has been so helpful and kind to me over the years. We talked about different options to try to ease the pain and I also talked to him about the ideas that we had discussed the night before with our friends. The first thing that was important for me to do was to increase my dosage of Lyrica to try to help with my nerve pain...since the surgery, I've had really bad nerve pain on my left foot. He also gave me two prescriptions for new pain meds that are very strong, try one for a week to see if it works, if not, then try the second.

I started with the new medication immediately. It did have its side effects so I spent most of Tuesday in the bathroom (I know this is TMI). However, I wish that was my biggest concern. As my stomach started to calm down towards the end of the day, the pain in both my legs and the nerve pain picked up and I couldn't sleep until 6am on Wednesday. It was one of the longest and most difficult nights of my life but I have my parents to thank for sitting with me, for crying with me, for taking turns with each other so the other could catch a few zzzz, after all they both had work the next day. I have to say, I hope to make them both very happy still...because the saddest thing is to watch your parents cry for you because they see you in pain. I can't promise it won't happen again, but I do hope to still give them many tears of joy.
Kal & Mica - didn't want you to worry so I didn't tell you today...but I'm better now so please don't worry.

Tonight the pain seems to be ok, not gone, but under control. I just can't sleep so I turned to writing on my blog again at an odd hour of the night....that's when the magic happens!!

As for the highs, it would seem that it's impossible to find them when the last two weeks have been about managing my pain, but I have been fortunate to go to church a few times, I can feel my upper body getting stronger and holding me up better, and I have gone home to spend a few days with my hunny.

At church, I got to see sooo many dear friends and hear some words of comfort and support from everyone. It was beautiful to see how many of our friends lined up to help bring my wheelchair (with me in it) up the stairs. I am really phobic of stairs so it wasn't the easiest thing for me to do, but I made it. I heard a lecture from a young woman my age whose life I could really relate to...and she chose to end her lecture by singing a song about how the pain will pass. I was already emotional enough from the outpouring of love and support, so it was no surprise that I let out my "bucket" of tears. I truly enjoy a good cry and I just felt so much lighter afterwards.

My mom drove me home to CT and I was able to spend a couple of days with John and also got to see so many of our friends there. It felt nice and odd to be home, since it had been almost a month that I'd been gone. I have to say, he's doing a great job keeping up the place on his own...I've taught him well :)

I knew this journey would be full of ups and downs and I was ready for them. Sure, it's not easy as I'm going through it, like a sleepless painful night. But today, that's a memory. At first, going up and down the stairs was so difficult and now I've actually done it twice in one day and even a few days in a row and no soreness. I know it will get easier as I go and hopefully I'll be out of the cast and able to move a little more so my legs won't be so sore. I am hopeful this new medication will work for me so that I will be able to keep taking it even after I'm healed to get some relief.

Today, I was so tired from not sleeping so a couple of friends came over to help. One of them (who is older than me) just recently went through her own medical scare and sudden surgery and in a moment of difficulty, she said she thought of me. That she had seen how strong I have been through my process that she had to try to be stronger through hers, that I was an example she wanted to follow. That was so sweet and nice to hear!

Good days give you happiness, bad days give you experience.
Both are essential in life.

I am keeping the faith....