End of a Chapter

This was a very bittersweet week for me. After months of trying to delay the inevitable and struggling to maintain work/life balance (and by that I mean going to work and getting through the day and coming home to veg out in bed and do absolutely nothing because of exhaustion and pain) I finally gave my resignation notice at work 3 weeks ago. It was certainly not an easy decision to make and I really struggled with letting that part of my life go. As much as we dread going to work sometimes, it keeps us active, in contact with other people, not to mention the financial benefits to be able to live more freely and do things you enjoy like going out to eat and traveling. 

John and I just came to the conclusion that it is just not worth it for me to struggle so much to work, when I have just been so miserable at home and unable to do anything else (i.e. take care of the home, cook, go to church, on and on and on). Thankfully, as if the angels from above knew that this would be my last week, they promptly managed to get me tickets to a live taping of the OPRAH SHOW IN NYC!!!!!! My mom and I attended Oprah's LifeClass at the Radio City Music Hall on Monday and it was a dream come true! Not only did we get to enjoy Oprah, but her main guest was Deepak Chopra and the discussion was about spirituality (cue the angels singing!!!). It was just unbelievable!!! Beyond words..I have been a die-hard fan for years and always dreamed of going to a show. The energy in the auditorium of 5,000+ people was out of this world. So you can say Monday was not a day I gave much thought about my impending major life change.

Tuesday was another extremely exciting day. I've been going back and forth with a friend, who became a professional wedding photographer a couple years ago. Since we got married on New Year's Eve and it was freezing out, we made plans to have a photoshoot in our wedding day outfits when the weather got nicer. Then again, out of nowhere, my friend contacts me that she has heard about this amazing daffodil field nearby that she was just dying to go see and that she'd shoot John and I as a FREEBIE! Say no more...you had me at daffodil field!!!! The only catch is that I had to leave work early so I could get my hair/nails/makeup done...I wasn't going to even attempt to do any of those myself. We went to one of the most glorious places I've seen!!! Out of a storybook...daffodils everywhere, lake, windmill, beautiful fields, barn, well...I mean, a photoholic's DREAM! Here's just a quick preview that she sent me that night that has me DYING to see the rest...needless to say, Tuesday breezed by and I gave no though to last day of work being Thursday.

On Wednesday, it started to hit me a bit, but it really hit me like a wall at night when I decided to write some Thank You cards to some people who have been very kind to me...(cue the waterworks). Poor John came home from doing a double at work to find me sobbing, the reality of it all really hit me...I couldn't even speak. So Thursday at work, I pretty much cried all day. I asked them to do away with the usual goodbyes from the firm - no breakfast needed - or my guests would end up consoling me. I needed to take a few breaks and go hide out in the bathroom but I survived. I received a really nice outpouring of support from people I would have never expected and felt truly appreciated by those I worked with. There's a possibility I may be able to work with them from home in the future, but for now I'm just going to focus on trying to feel better and going back to doing some activities I love.

I certainly don't want people to feel pity for me or "jealous" of the fact I get to stay home. It almost feels like if I had a baby with me, this would have been a much more acceptable decision to make. Since there is no baby yet, I just want to focus on getting stronger...I will be going to physical therapy and pool therapy twice a week, going to look into going back to the nursing home to visit my peeps (I feel more at home there among the canes and wheelchairs), taking dad to see a live taping of America's Got Talent this week, going to the Orchid Show at the New York Botanical Garden next week...sure, I'll be doing some of these things from my wheelchair, but it'll be nice to change the pace of life.

As sad as it is to dwell on the reality of why I needed to stop working, I think I've cried that all out now. I just need to focus on the future and on the reason why I did this to begin with: to have a better quality of life. I'm looking forward to enjoying this time off and hopefully also starting to feel much better physically and emotionally. The end of a chapter, but the beginning of another :)

Weeks 4 and 5: To be Honest, I've Been Better

The last 2 weeks have definitely been full of highs and lows for me. I'll start with the lows so I can end on a high note.

When I saw my surgeon over two weeks ago, he asked me to start weaning off the strong meds (narcotics) I've been taking since the surgery. So over the course of the last couple weeks, I have been reducing the medication by half and also spacing it out more. Finally, I felt good last Thursday and decided to stop taking it altogether. I was so proud of myself, my operated foot felt fine and so I went most of the day without taking anything.

However, my old pains had a different plan in mind. The medication was so strong that it made me forget how strong the pain in my legs really is when I am laying down for hours at a time. No medication or treatment I have ever tried has worked to calm them, except for this, which is clearly not the right solution. So that first night I battled with myself not to take anything and see how far it could go. Well, I ended up giving up at 2am and taking a full pill because I had already been brought down to tears and it was just ridiculous at that point. So the next day I tried spacing it out 12 hours - not good. The following day, 10 hours...didn't work.

On Sunday night, I talked with a friend from church and her husband, who is a doctor, who were kind enough to sit with me and try to figure out what kinds of treatment may be helpful for me. He was extremely resourceful and had lots of ideas that we could try and he was also going to speak to a pain specialist about my case. Thank you C & G!!!

On Monday, I went to see my regular podiatrist who has been so helpful and kind to me over the years. We talked about different options to try to ease the pain and I also talked to him about the ideas that we had discussed the night before with our friends. The first thing that was important for me to do was to increase my dosage of Lyrica to try to help with my nerve pain...since the surgery, I've had really bad nerve pain on my left foot. He also gave me two prescriptions for new pain meds that are very strong, try one for a week to see if it works, if not, then try the second.

I started with the new medication immediately. It did have its side effects so I spent most of Tuesday in the bathroom (I know this is TMI). However, I wish that was my biggest concern. As my stomach started to calm down towards the end of the day, the pain in both my legs and the nerve pain picked up and I couldn't sleep until 6am on Wednesday. It was one of the longest and most difficult nights of my life but I have my parents to thank for sitting with me, for crying with me, for taking turns with each other so the other could catch a few zzzz, after all they both had work the next day. I have to say, I hope to make them both very happy still...because the saddest thing is to watch your parents cry for you because they see you in pain. I can't promise it won't happen again, but I do hope to still give them many tears of joy.
Kal & Mica - didn't want you to worry so I didn't tell you today...but I'm better now so please don't worry.

Tonight the pain seems to be ok, not gone, but under control. I just can't sleep so I turned to writing on my blog again at an odd hour of the night....that's when the magic happens!!

As for the highs, it would seem that it's impossible to find them when the last two weeks have been about managing my pain, but I have been fortunate to go to church a few times, I can feel my upper body getting stronger and holding me up better, and I have gone home to spend a few days with my hunny.

At church, I got to see sooo many dear friends and hear some words of comfort and support from everyone. It was beautiful to see how many of our friends lined up to help bring my wheelchair (with me in it) up the stairs. I am really phobic of stairs so it wasn't the easiest thing for me to do, but I made it. I heard a lecture from a young woman my age whose life I could really relate to...and she chose to end her lecture by singing a song about how the pain will pass. I was already emotional enough from the outpouring of love and support, so it was no surprise that I let out my "bucket" of tears. I truly enjoy a good cry and I just felt so much lighter afterwards.

My mom drove me home to CT and I was able to spend a couple of days with John and also got to see so many of our friends there. It felt nice and odd to be home, since it had been almost a month that I'd been gone. I have to say, he's doing a great job keeping up the place on his own...I've taught him well :)

I knew this journey would be full of ups and downs and I was ready for them. Sure, it's not easy as I'm going through it, like a sleepless painful night. But today, that's a memory. At first, going up and down the stairs was so difficult and now I've actually done it twice in one day and even a few days in a row and no soreness. I know it will get easier as I go and hopefully I'll be out of the cast and able to move a little more so my legs won't be so sore. I am hopeful this new medication will work for me so that I will be able to keep taking it even after I'm healed to get some relief.

Today, I was so tired from not sleeping so a couple of friends came over to help. One of them (who is older than me) just recently went through her own medical scare and sudden surgery and in a moment of difficulty, she said she thought of me. That she had seen how strong I have been through my process that she had to try to be stronger through hers, that I was an example she wanted to follow. That was so sweet and nice to hear!

Good days give you happiness, bad days give you experience.
Both are essential in life.

I am keeping the faith....

What a special birthday week!

My birthday was 2 days ago...March 3. Growing up, I was annoyingly excited about my birthday every year...I'd start the countdown at New Year's and announce it to the family every day (LOL - imagine growing up with that girl!). As we get older, I still love my birthday but I definitely don't fuss as much or plan huge things.

This year, I wanted to see all my friends and really enjoy myself while I could still walk places on my own 2 feet. My mom says I'm acting as if I'm gonna die but that's not it. I just wanted to have fun without it being a burden, without having to worry about a huge boot, crutches, etc. and get to see all the people I really care about because I'm gonna be out of commission for a little while.

So event #1 was a birthday in Jersey with friends at Las Palmas Restaurant. It was such a fun fun night filled with laughter, catching up with everyone and just having a good ol' time. I saw some friends I hadn't seen in a while and some who I just went away with. Like Laura's beautiful card said, I may not see or talk to you all the time, but you are still one of my closest friends. And that's how I feel about all the people that came out.

On the actual day of my birthday, John said we had to leave the house exactly at 11:40am and he was blindfolding me! How super duper exciting! First, because I've never been blindfolded and second because I love surprises. I thought he might take me to the spa but he drove in circles and completely confused me...but finally we pulled up at the spa!!!!!!! He got me a 60 minute facial and 90 minute swedish/hot stone massage. Oh how I love him!!! And he also took the day off, which I didn't know about. As I got treated like a princess, I really thanked God for all my blessings and for this special week in my life. Later, John took me to eat my favorite: crab legs, crab cakes, and a virgin strawberry daiquiri.


He doesn't usually spoil me like this...but given the circumstances, he wanted me to have a great memorable and relaxing birthday so I can look back on this in a few weeks time and remember how happy I was.

Since I didn't know he would be off work, I had already said I would be going to my church study group. On my way to therapy (one needs to heal the body and soul), I called my parents' house and got no answer. I had a great session and left to go to church. On my way to church I called their house again and no answer. Then finally a light bulb went off in my head. THEY'RE COMING TO CT FOR MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!! When I turned the corner on the right street, I saw my mom's car and her NJ plates! I got so excited that I dropped my phone under my car. GREAT! And to my surprise, my friends from church also planned a little birthday party for me there.

Today, we also got to have dinner with John's family for my birthday and it was just such a great time. And tomorrow, we are having our game night/potluck birthday dinner with many dear friends here in CT...this has been an incredibly awesome birthday!

Not to mention all the loving text messages, emails, phone calls, facebook/orkut (this is Brazilian facebook) posts...

It's funny how things that happen in your life that would make you think they are a negative can make you feel the complete opposite way. I feel SO SO loved by so many special people and I really feel their support and prayers. And I KNOW how many people are pulling for me. So when I think about it, I can only be grateful to God for giving me the strength to go through with this and for giving me all the tools in life to prepare for such a moment and not question "Why me?" I know exactly why me...it's a lesson I am here to learn and He was so kind to send me all these beautiful and amazing people to help me through this journey.